By Morgan Barclay, Mostly Sports Head Editor — Twitter: @MoJackCheese

Editorial Note:  My personal review of The Revenant Movie (Spoiler Alert!) – Please DO NOT read if you’d like to see an average movie. If you want to see an AWESOME movie with a much better BEAR fight scene, I suggest you watch #TheEdge with Alec Baldwin & Anthony Hopkins – two iconic actors who don’t crawl around on the frozen tundra for 2.5 hours trying to eat.

With that, here’s my untitled opinion of The Revenant Movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio, best known for his role as orphan boy on the hit TV series Growing Pains.

1) ACT 1: I absolutely loved the first 45 minutes.  The action sequences with epic backgrounds and some amazing “Single Shots” likely with some ingenious visual effects — the movie had me hooked and fully engaged, on the edge of my seat, loving Leo and the entire cast, especially pseudo villain Tom Hardy.  So at this point, I was feeling like this could be the movie of the year (yep, Oscar Worthy), but then that FIRE dissipated like the 44 unnecessary flint fires made during the movie. We get it, you’re cold, you have to survive, but it’s not like we have to see the process every single time. Did we ever see Jack Bauer eat, shit, or sleep in 24, no, we didn’t, and we didn’t care. 

2) LEO’S SON: Not a fan of his acting, his overall look as a half Native AND mostly NOT his NATIVE name which was HAWK (C’MON! – Hawk, that’s the best you can do writers?). The only name that’s worse in entertainment is “Killgrave” in the Netflix hit Jessica Jones, and smartly Jessica actually makes fun of the name “Killgrave” in episode 10, so at least they creatively addressed it by taunting the “Mind Control” killer.  Lastly on this point, I’d kind of assume Leo’s son would be a bad ass too, half Leo half Native, now that’s a hybrid I’d buy. Yes, I get Leo needs the motivation later, but at least let the kid go out with a decent fight. 

3) LEO’S NEMESIS: Basically this is Shane from the Walking Dead. The entire time, he’s basically saying, I don’t like Rick (aka Hugh, Leo’s character) and I’m going to kill him any chance I get. By the way, it always bugs me too, when characters like the red head guy have little to no clue that guys not going to be honest when he hangs back with two kids and a deathbed Leo. I mean, not believable.  More on this later…

4) THE SUPPOSEDLY ICONIC BEAR SCENE: The Bear scene was awesome, that said, I still give the Bear in The Edge the edge, but the scene here was crazy good. But there was a point, where I was kind of rooting for the Bear and the Bear’s family. Those were nice Bears, with little Bear Cubs, and Leo kills their Dad? Mom? And come on, like the Bear’s not hungry. Everyone is super hungry in this movie, but these particular Bears are on a Master Cleanse? No. They’re hungry as balls. They would have finished the job. Best Bear Scene goes to The Edge still, but we’ll give the Director and Leo plus the real life Bear a slow clap for a solid effort.  

5) HAWK’S BORING FIGHT TO HIS DEATH: Not sure why those shotguns can shoot 500 yards, but the boys, both Leo’s son and that other kid, feel the need to aim from 4 feet away so Fitzgerald can grab the gun with ease??? They didn’t get trained by all of these other bad asses at all? Without any training at all, not even from Hugh, who’s supposedly amazing at everything, didn’t teach his son anything??? And his son is part native. I expected hawk to learn from his dad, and get some awesome genetics plus Rocky like training. Maybe this is a Michael Jordan’s son argument, where there’s no way to live up to Dad’s awesomeness, but I expect some inherited talent here, but that didn’t happen, so hard for me to believe this kid is even a 2nd cousin to Leo.  Not be a scared little kid wagging a giant shotgun 2 inches from his victims face? Lame. Then the other kid does the same exact thing? And before this even happened, the leader dude lets Fitzgerald all the sudden become a saint, and stay back for some dollar bills? I blame this mostly on the writers, not the actors.

7) WATER FALL: We see you fly off a massive Water Fall, which is fine, but then you’re swimming like Michael Phelps under water for 2 minutes with bullets and arrows that all miss, and you can’t even walk? You need legs to swim, at least that’s what I was taught, and let’s just assume the water was pretty cold. I get that he’s motivated to get revenge, and in most movies you have to look past ridiculous scenes sometimes and buy into the surreal nature of the film – but there’s a point when you’re showing him struggle to even walk, but then he does this? If you want me to look past the ridiculousness, then skip the learning how to walk scenes please. 

8) HORSE JUMP MEETS HORSE NAP: You made friends with an Indian, but then they all come after you. You get away somehow just jumping off a giant cliff, with your horse, we think you’re in the tree, but you’re actually on the ground. Apparently you just land nicely, no questions asked. Or the tree softened your fall. Obviously we need you to still be alive for your revenge, but this scene was LAUGH OUT LOUD funny. And then you get up, gut a horse, which is gross, then take a nap inside? We’ve already seen gross stuff in The Cell having to do with horses (Horse cut in half), we don’t need you taking a nap in one for no reason at all. There’s no reason for this! Why? Stop being ridiculous to be ridiculous. I’m sure this was parody’d on South Park, or will be soon.

9) SPELUNKING IN A CAVE: Writing Fitzgerald’s name on a wall while spelunking in a cave. We know you’re motivation, but you and the writers literally spelled it out for us in case we started reading our phones. Thanks, we weren’t sure what kept you going Arya Stark.

11) THE DREAMS AND/OR FLASHBACKS: Not useful and somewhat distracting – but for people who love to break down movies, I’m sure they’ll talk about the hidden meanings. Who cares?  I usually just spaced out during the dreams and flashbacks with heavy breathing. It’s not like they revealed anything meaningful. Every single time a flashback happened, I was wondering how much of the movie was left…then I was like, okay, I guess Leo is trying to walk, eat, or get warm again. Maybe something cool will happen. Nope.

12) THE FINAL SCENE:  Once again, wished the avalanche was a sign they’d both die in the avalanche Point Break style. It wasn’t. It was some terrible Paint Ball like tree fighting, then the easiest fake dead person scene ever… Then Leo’s a terrible shot after all of this time, he only shoots his arm. C’MON! Finish him right there.. We don’t need to watch you guys run around in the snow anymore…and both of you are terrible with your hatchet and knife. 

In the end, Leo did some great face and body acting. He’s been good at that for awhile now. His voice, well, his neck got cut, which is the writer’s fault, so we had to hear him basically talk like a smoker or movie Batmans for approximately 2.5 hours.  So, the Academy owes him one, but giving him an Oscar for this movie is like giving Drew Brees the MVP when he didn’t even make the playoffs. In the end, I didn’t hate the movie, but I didn’t love it either and it’s definitely not worthy of winning the award for Best Picture. If Leo wins for Best Actor, that’s cool with me. He’s due, he was great in the movie, but the movie really disappointed. 

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