It’s Monday Night. You hate your job. Heck, maybe you don’t even have a job. Even Church was kind of shitty on Sunday. And now Carlos Hyde Your Kids, Hyde Your Wife and/or Julio Jones just brought your buddy’s fantasy team whom you were playing storming back to beat you by just a couple points. “DAMN IT!” To add insult to injury, your favorite NFL team lost on some terrible coaching and your college team dropped out of the Top 25! So you need a drink badly, but you had plenty this weekend – so now what???
I’ll tell you what. Stop being a baby. It’s football, you effin love football, and it’s fucking back! So go pick out your favorite “switch” to be whooped with and take it like ONE of Adrian Peterson’s 8 kids out of wedlock — then press play on this sweet music video by Carly Rae Jepsen because you REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY (that’s 6 “Really’s” btw) LIKE FOOTBALL, and you want it for the following reasons, and it wants you too FYI.
A BUNCH OF REASONS YOU REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL, AND IT LIKES YOU TOO (mainly for ratings and $$$$)
1) FRESH FINGERS – You’ll have more fingers than JPP for the rest of your life. Heck, you can even count his money better than he can — and you don’t have to worry about public ridicule on Twitter or Reddit, because you don’t play with fireworks and you’re not famous. Phew. Mooooooving on….
2) LOSE THE NICKNAME – Who knows if Pacman Jones used to like his nickname at one point, but we know this: He’ll never get rid of it NOW after another dumb altercation this weekend when he pulled off future stud Amari Cooper’s helmet then slammed his head HARD. Hopefully your nickname is self-contained within your fantasy circles. If not, you may want to join the Dollar Shave club, take a few weeks off work, and re-evaluate your life. Seriously, clean yourself up a bit.
3) JOHNNY FOOSBALL – Every week, Phantom Fly is our vodka sponsor, so who better to represent our favorite spirit than mister Johnny Football who’s either embedded into the turf via one of his infamous ROAD TO NO WHERE scrambles OR in a deep slumber after self-medicating during game tape review. Mr. Foosball got destroyed by the Jets this week after Josh McCown’s stupidly tried to treat Game 1 like a Super Bowl Elway style — so when the going gets rough this week, google Johnny Football. The results will Raise You Up more than a Josh Grobin infomercial.
4) BIG BALLS PETE – Originally coined at USC, BIG BALLS PETE is starting to wear out even the best Seahawks fans. The Seahawks coach (now known for the worst play call of all time) made the list yet again for what I like to call “Getting Cute Minus Balls” when there’s no reason for it. The Seahawks head coach figured he’d outsmart the system again by calling an onside kick when they didn’t win the Over Time coin flip. Guess what. They didn’t get it, and they likely lost because of it. So when you lose a coin flip, don’t run away and jump off a bridge to show how you’re soooo risky and tough. Speaking of bridges….
5) TEDDY BUILD A BRIDGEWATER (and get over it) – Dude, this guy can’t throw 50 yards down the field! If you saw the Monday Night Football game – you would’ve noticed at the end of the first half Teddy threw a couple terrible 30 yard outs looking like Peyton Maning post 4 hours of piano lessons when he was supposed to throw a Hail Marry. Or so we thought. Where’s Gus Frerotte when you need him? Not a good sign for the Vikings. So when you’re gearing up for this year’s Turkey Bowl with the boys, remember you can throw farther than Teddy Bridgewater and then some…
6) INSTA-MELO – Not football related, but two things here. A) NBA Basketball is coming soon too, so get excited! B) Carmelo Anthony is responding to Instagram Influencers answering if he’s elite or not. I mean, could you imagine Jordan even responding? I can’t even. <— See what I did there. Now for you fine reader of the Internet sports stuff, check out some nice Sunsets on Instagram if you’re feeling down. With all of the filters these days, should cheer you up big time. Feeling better yet? If not, check out this guy who imitates some of the best NBA players. Melo does like that jab step.
7) YOU ARE NOT TOM COUGHLIN – Seriously, you’re just not him, so enjoy that forever.
8) ROADHOUSE REMAKE – (WARNING! This will surely make Mike ‘Sco-Rock’ Scovotti’s blood boil = can’t wait) Here’s the deal: Ronda Rousey will likely star in a remake of the classic film Roadhouse as Patrick Swayze’s character?? What!!??? Makes no sense! But you see, the cool part is that you don’t have to deal with heat that Ronda is going to get for this ridiculousness. We’ll lead the charge on that front in defense of this iconic film making genius, Patrick’s name, and anything vaguely connected to Roadhouse forever. The good news, and this is your reminder, you can curl up (right now if you want) and watch the original Road House. It’s probably on demand or on a Vine loop, so check FX and thank us later.
9) LASTLY BUT NOT LEASTLY – Broncos At Chiefs this Thursday, so get fired up!
In the end, the point of this article was to make you realize that you’re really not deciding any of this, nor are you dealing with the trials and tribulations that come with actually playing football, basketball, or being a pro athlete. You’re just sitting around doing almost nothing. So own your awesomeness and create a cool funny meme or something, or maybe, just maybe, watch our radio show Mostly Sports from 7pmPT to 9pm this Tuesday via the UNB radio network. We promise not to upset you, since we never win or lose, we don’t even play the game, and neither do you arm-chair quarterback. Click Here To Watch, Listen or Download Mostly Sports!
P.S. Halloween is on a Saturday this year (Saturday, October 31) — so should be a pretty sweet day of College Football and a spooky Sunday with costumes galore; especially in New Orleans who play the Giants at home.
P.P.S. Is it Matin Grammatically correct to say “Whom Dat?” Just curious.